So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
