Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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