i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Randomize
