I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
we should paint friendship bongs
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