I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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