He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
At least life still wants to fuck me.
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