Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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