Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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