I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
