I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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