community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
