NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
