either way he was missing a nipple.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
