he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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