looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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