Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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