Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
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