that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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