Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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