I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
It's rum buckets o'clock
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
