Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
