I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
