My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize