How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
