so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
