dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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