They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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