he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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