I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize