Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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