I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
