I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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