omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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