question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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