you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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