Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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