I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
