so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
