haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
