we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
