your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
we have pet lesbian snakes
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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