did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
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