dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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