Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
