how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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