Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
