look no pants
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
