I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
We are all done wearing pants today
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
