This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
