i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
