after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize