She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
