R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
