My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I just threw up on my dentist
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
