i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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