I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I want a musical about memes.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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