I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
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