You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Randomize
