I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
